Well, ladies, the weather’s getting warmer, and you know what that means. Heaven knows you won’t be caught dead in a bikini with those flabby winter bodies! No, it’s either get a good beach body or spend this summer in baggy T-shirts and sweats, thinking about how you failed to accomplish the one thing that determines your value as a woman: a sexy body. Despicable.
Now that the sun’s out, you must remember that you’re a disgusting bag, so you must get yourself bikini-ready. Forget self-love and confidence, and get rid of that cellulite!
Nobody wants to see that flabby tummy, so make sure you spend your spring binge-exercising, feeling bad about yourself and buying lots of beauty and diet products. We’re here to tell you: no, fat girls are not allowed to be confident, and yes, the only way thin girls got thin was by buying a crap-ton of diet supplements and yoga mats. We’re here to sell you happiness and self-love for only $29.99!
But wait! You can get an extra dose of self-esteem to complete the Perfect Body-Perfect Life™ package for only $12.99!
No, the definition of a beach body is not to “get your body and put it on a damn beach.” It means perfection. It means desirability. It does not mean unconditional self-love and security. That’s simply ridiculous!
Remember, nobody will like you if your belly’s too round, skin is too pale or thighs are too thick. If your arm fat jiggles, I’m sorry, but you are the lowest form of human being and will not make it come Judgment Day. In fact, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, you will die first because you are so ugly.
No, you are not allowed to feel good about yourself when you don’t fit our perfect idea of a conventionally attractive woman. What kind of independent, self-confident, whole human being do you think you are?
So come on, feel awful about yourself and let your self-hatred fuel your need to buy crap that you don’t need, but will keep the consumerist toxic media wheel going. Go on, girl. Treat yourself.
Keep consuming our destructive popular garbage, keep hanging 90-pound models on your wall, keep aspiring for this unattainable, unrealistic image of happiness and perfection.
Summer’s almost here. Are you beach body ready?
LoRae Blackmore is in Grade 12 at Prince Charles Secondary School. The Teen Take is a column co-ordinated by Creston’s Teen Action Committee.