Barbara Hunter, Truest Reflections Counseling Services
In my last column, I talked to you about values. I asked what do you need in order to align with your values.
READ MORE: Truest Reflections: What is so important about values?
Three of my most important values are harmony, connection, and choice. Once I know and acknowledge my values and make my decisions based on that, it should be an easy answer or transition, right? I really wish the answer was yes.
Relationships have taught me that, in the last few years, I really wasn’t abiding by my values. In fact, quite the opposite. I would chase relationships that I thought had possibilities or potential. “Chase” being the key word here. Let me clarify.
I came out of a relationship where I felt broken and emotionally beaten up. I put all of the power, blame, and expectation on the other person. That continued into crazy dating encounters, superficial friendships, and even implausible relationships with my family members. What I realized when I came out of that big relationship was I had half of the responsibility, but all of the ownership of my part in it.
The healing process started with going to a whole lot of professional development workshops and trying to get my hands on all kinds of learning that I had previously pushed aside. I felt I needed a new me. While healing, reframing of my thoughts, and challenging my belief systems, I came to some big “aha” moments.
When I feel insecure, I chase a person (not literally, as running is reserved for fleeing from bears) and hold on tightly to what I feel has potential, even if it’s not entirely in my best interest. I would often think I can ‘fix’ or ‘rescue’ them. Or alternatively, I would withdraw completely. Not one time in all of that chasing or withdrawing was I really pulling out my value cards. I was completely ditching them for what I thought I needed to do in every relationship. Chasing something that was completely and utterly wrong for me became a routine and a pattern - a really bad one at that.
What I have figured out is I have value. I am important. What I carry inside me makes me just as human as the next person. I want to feel like I’m enough, that I deserve the great things in this life and that I am truly loveable. Is that such an impossible ask? Not at all. However, chasing someone or something else for validation makes me feel worthless. That needs to change.
Change starts with taking a breath and really seeing in your own mind, feeling in your own heart, and hearing your own voice say, “I am enough. I am deserving. I am loving.” It starts with me.
Have you heard your voice say that you are enough? If not, let’s chat. I have some strategies that will assist you with saying these things and really believing them. Reach out to truestreflections@gmail.com anytime. You’re not alone in your journey, let me walk with you.