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The Voice of Experience: Involvement in the community can ease loneliness

If you are a lonely, healthy senior, make that conscious choice to get involved in something right now...

Loneliness is all too common in this upheaved world we live in, and it takes all forms, from tears to suicide. However, just because a person is alone doesn’t necessarily mean that they are lonely. There’s a huge difference between those two states. Often, people prefer living alone and being by themselves. But others can slip into a loneliness that becomes totally devastating, if they find themselves suddenly alone.

When someone with whom they’ve shared a good portion of their lives dies, then loneliness can become a basis for fear, resentment, depression, anger and lethargy. As a grief counsellor, I have often heard the phrase, “Oh, get over it.” It isn’t always that easy. If that person has always led an active and involved life, it’s a lot easier to remain active and involved. But for the person who has always shared activities with someone else, the big black hole of depression can easily open up.

Women are usually the glue in a household that holds everything together, so they tend to manage better after the death of a spouse than men do. And having friends is a distinct advantage, for women share their feelings much more openly than most men can with their buddies.

When a loved one dies, family members and friends tend to rally around the surviving person, showering him or her with attention. After a while, this gradually tapers off, and the giving person fully realizes he or she is alone. Many people don’t know how to reach out, and find it easier to withdraw into themselves.

Pets help. Partly, of course, is the fact that they need to be fed and cared for. But the best thing about animals is that they give unqualified love. Regardless of how their caretaker is feeling, their love is constant and their trust is total.

Seniors who are healthy and able to make choices have to deal consciously with being alone. They have options: going out to lunch with a friend, taking a “seniors trip”, joining a craft group (there are many of those in the Creston Valley), volunteering at Gleaners or becoming more involved in their church work. If a person who can get out of the house chooses to do so, the options are limitless.

Seniors confined to nursing homes and those living in rural or isolated areas have the toughest time. Family and friends need to realize the importance of a phone call, just to touch base. Visits may not be possible, but it’s the regular, tangible reminders that you haven’t forgotten that brighten a lonely person’s day.

Loneliness is real and painful. If you are a senior confined or unable to get out, let people know what they can do to help. If someone wants to help and be part of your life, accept them. People who care want to help, and when those who need them deny them the opportunity, they feel rejected. If you are a lonely, healthy senior, make that conscious choice to get involved in something right now. There are many people who need you and what you have to contribute.

Mary Underhill is a Creston stress therapist and grief counsellor.