COLUMN: For those about to snore…

Did you know that if you google ‘snoring’ you’ll get about 77,400,000 hits?

So let it be written…

Raise your hand if you snore.

I’m waiting…

Yeah, that’s what I thought, cowards…

Really, it’s okay to admit, if only to yourself, that you are indeed a bender of light.

Of course, if you live alone you might not realize that in the dead of night, you wake the dead. But if you share a roof with the living, who are you fooling? They know too well that you are a human chainsaw by night, witnessed by the bleary eyes and sour faces that confront you the morning after you’ve been through a cord of wood or two.

I recall being at a men’s church retreat out in the woods near Mount Baker, decades ago. About twenty guys and myself shared a spartan dorm, with bunk beds and cots, and from one corner a horrific noise erupted with Swiss precision from this particular fellow’s face. The air shimmered around him as molecules and atoms were disrupted and electrons and protons ran for cover, only to be tractor-beamed back into the aural nightmare.

Windows were cracked with the violent dropping and rising of air pressure. Tiles were heaved from the floor, and thousands of little black no-see-um gnats were trapped in his front teeth, like krill in a whale’s baleen. Pine needles were knitted against the outer sides of screens. Terrified forest creatures fled to the next valley.

The rest of us lay wild-eyed awake while he, oblivious to the cacophony unleashed by his unholy wind, slept like a kitten. He woke in the morning, had a good stretch, complained about not sleeping a wink, and then wondered out loud why he was buried in a pile of rolled-up socks, which had been hurled at him by the traumatized.

Oh, the groans of incredulity and contempt, the rolling of eyes, the sneers, jeers and contorted expressions of faces demanding recompense. As darkness fell the next evening, just as we began to forgive if not to forget, his hellish din began anew.

Poor us. Poor guy. Had we had the Internet back then, he might have offered a meagre case in his defence. Did you know that if you google “snoring,” you’ll get about 77,400,000 hits?

You’ll find in that vast collection PhD dissertations on snoring, screeds written on the causes, advice, remedies. You’ll also see T-shirts for sale with messages like “I don’t snore I dream I’m a motorcycle,” and matching embroidered satin pillow cases, one for “Sleeping Beauty,” the other for “Snoring Beast.”

There are websites that out celebrities who snore. You can click on the telling pictures, one after another after another. There are tunes about snoring. You’ll also find horror movies about snoring (Suspiria). I didn’t find any romance movies about it — no surprise there.

Queen Victoria was a famous snorer. Her fellow Londoners were no doubt not amused.

Napolean Bonaparte snored like cannon fire, apparently on account of his being prosperous around the mid-section and having a stout neck.

Pretty, ugly, skinny, fat, rich, poor, smart, not so smart, old, young and in-between — anyone can snore. I’m told I snore, although I don’t believe a word of it.

Even the self-deluded can snore, so I’m told…

So let it be done.

Tom Zytaruk is a staff writer with the Surrey Now-Leader.

Just Posted

Town Council candidates draw a crowd

More than 200 people filed into Prince Charles Theatre to learn more about Creston Town Council election candidates.

A perfect storm of technical difficulties

The issue was with website server problems outside of our control.

Michelle Mungall’s baby first in B.C. legislature chamber

B.C. energy minister praises support of staff, fellow MLAs

Creston Community Park project progressing

Hillside surveying and sculpting to take place.

‘Police are ready’ for legal pot, say Canadian chiefs

But Canadians won’t see major policing changes as pot becomes legal

VIDEO: How to roll a joint

The cannabis connoisseur shares his secrets to rolling the perfect joint

Boeser tallies in OT as Canucks beat Penguins 3-2

Vancouver wins without star rookie Pettersson

Mayor of Kamloops says ‘history has been made’ with vote on B.C.’s lone pot shop

The store to be run by the province in B.C.’s Interior is opening Wednesday as pot sales become legal across Canada

New bus route to ‘replace’ Greyhound along Trans-Canada Highway

Rider Express Transportation says they will soon begin a bus service from Winnipeg to Vancouver

U.S. pot firm urges Trump to deny Canadian producers ‘competitive advantage’

The challenge for U.S. firms lies in the fact that while recreational cannabis is legal in nine states and medicinal pot in 22 others, it remains illegal under federal law

Government says imprisoned Canadian terror suspects must face consequences

Public Safety Minister Ralph Goodale showed little sympathy Tuesday for such individuals who now want to return to Canada

How rules for inmate segregation in Canada will change under Bill C-83

Federal government proposing changes to rules around inmates in federal correctional institutions

Canada Post union issues strike notice; rotating strikes could begin Monday

Union says rotating strikes will begin if agreements aren’t reached with bargaining units

Carole James avoids questions on B.C.’s payroll tax (with video)

Green MLA Adam Olsen cites huge tax increase for local business

Most Read