From the lifeguard files of those of you that were, or are, lifeguards for indoor or outdoor pools. You know what I’m talking about…
•You know you have been a lifeguard too long when you tell kids in Wal-Mart to stop running.
•You secretly see the humour in the kids that were swimming across the lap swimmers lanes pretending to play Frogger.
•You stop bothering with sunscreen because you know you’re too dark to get a burn.
•You once again show those kids there is someone lap swimming in the same lane as their throw-the-ball-at-your-friend’s-face game.
•You inherently despise the person that invented kickboards and noodles and the repercussions it has for lifeguards for all of history.
•You’ve tried every shampoo you can find — and still nothing gets the chlorine out of your hair.
•You laugh at those “No Lifeguard on Duty” signs at hotels because, let’s face it: if you are there, you watch all the kids.
•If you’ve said it once, you’ve said it a million times: “No #@%&$#! running!”
•You can wear a fanny pack and not look like a loser.
•You are the proud owner of a Fox 40 Classic.
•You realize that summer camps/year-end school visits/rec programs are the few hours a day when the devil decides to let his child slaves free.
•Your boyfriend/girlfriend frequently comments on how strongly you smell of chlorine.
•You hurt your neck looking for a splash when you hear a whistle — even outside of work.
•You know the amount of respect you get is directly proportional to how loud you can blow your whistle.
•You know all the names of the troublemakers but they don’t know yours.
•You constantly scan. Everywhere. All the time.
•You are overjoyed at not having to get wet for a shift.
•Whenever someone wraps their arms around you, you unconsciously wonder what kind of spinal hold they are doing.
•You know how to fake the “I really care that you think the water is cold” face.
•You no longer flinch when you get splashed in the face with water.
•You have developed an overbite from holding a whistle between your teeth.
•You realize that a whistle is just a pacifier for lifeguards.
•You find yourself moving passed out friends into the recovery position at parties.
•You know the amount of people in a pool that you are not even guarding at.
•You yell at the TV every time someone is doing CPR wrong.
•You hate anyone wearing something that says “lifeguard” on it when you know they are not a lifeguard.
Neil Ostafichuk is the recreation supervisor at the Creston and District Community Complex.